By: Analisha Santini
I came home after a long day at work to my roommates in the living room. They were cozy with a bottle of Moscato and clay mud mask packets in front of the T.V. They informed me it was the season premiere of The Bachelor. I had never seen it but the whole go on a show and fight a bunch of blondes to win $100,000 find true love sounded odd to me.
I ran through my to-do list for the evening in my head: cook dinner, get a quick work-out in, shower, meditate on my 2019 goals while gently humming, and get a head start on my taxes-it’s never too early.
I microwaved a Trader Joe’s frozen quinoa bowl and headed to the living room couch (my usual dining spot when I felt too lazy to walk the three extra feet to the dining room). I sat down next to my roommate Delaney. She said with hesitation, “Wait, Constance, you are going to watch The Bachelor with us? It just so happens… we have an extra face mask!” I promptly told her I was just going to watch for a few minutes while I eat because I had a lot to do that night… but a face mask did sound nice. #selfcare
I applied one L’Oréal Paris Clay Face Mask to my face. The directions read, “wash off in 10-15 minutes.”
ABC’s 23rd season premiere of The Bachelor begins and though I’m not really into blondes, I must admit, Colton is pretty cute in a let’s-go-camping-in-the-Bible-Belt kind of way. Delaney asks if I would like a glass of Moscato. I say, “Just a small splash, I need a clear head to do my taxes tonight.”
7:30 PM (3 small splashes of Moscato consumed)
The program cuts back, yet again, to an ESPN-esque instant replay/viewing party. Marriage proposal #3 of the night just occurred and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know who these people are, but I hate them… and love them. I am now pissed off at my boyfriend of three months for not popping the question already. He clearly doesn’t love me as much as Juan, 35, from Naples, Florida, loves Angela, 37, from Orlando.
7:45 PM (1 glass of Moscato consumed)
An uncomfortably zealous woman wearing a red hiking hat is interviewed at live viewing party #25 and states that her husband gave her a “free pass” for Ben tonight. This makes me start to redefine my relationship goals.
We have currently viewed approximately 15 minutes of actual footage of Colton and the contestants. We cut back to another viewing party in Duluth, Iowa, where marriage proposal #5 happens and I’ve officially hit my limit on tears I can physically produce in one night. In a righteous fury, I send a passive-aggressive text to my boyfriend and call my therapist. Neither respond.
8:30 PM (2 glasses of Moscato consumed)
Colton reveals that he is a virgin and my roommates and I gasp in horror. This makes us question if we can truly trust this man who was supposed to be our Prince Charming, it makes all sexual fantasies of him now extremely awkward.
I confidently say I like Sloth Girl’s strategy. My roommates confirm that if I was on the show, I would be her. I am oddly offended by this.
8:42 PM (3 glasses of Moscato consumed)
My boyfriend texts back, “I’m confused.” I respond, “You should be” and hope he gets the hint about our future nuptials.
I purchase a full-length rhinestone dress online during the 67th cut to another viewing party. My self-esteem soars.
9:00 PM (1.5 bottles of Moscato consumed)
The tribute to Chris Harrison plays and I yell, “Is he retiring?!”, which sounds like “awww, ez reeee” because I forgot to wash my clay face mask off two hours ago and my lips have become fossilized. Despite this, I frantically google search “is Chris Harrison retiring?”
I stress eat an entire box of Triscuits, eyes glued to the T.V., wondering Is Catherine going to interrupt Colton for the 4th time?!
9:30 PM (2 bottles of Moscato and one box of Triscuits consumed)
My roommates and I have transformed our living room into an investigative web using red string and old bobby pins to outline our prediction for who will receive the First Impressions Rose.
The First Impressions Rose is given to Hannah and we are relieved it’s not that fucking bitch, Catherine, AKA: Satan.
9:58 PM (3 bottles of wine, 1 box of Triscuits, and 1 joint consumed)
Sloth girl is gone and I am devastated.
The show ends. I am drenched in stress sweat, clenching an empty bottle of Moscato, clay mask still on. I realize I have just spent the last 3 hours watching The Bachelor and am too tipsy to remember if I claim 1 or 0 dependents on my taxes. Shit. I blackout.
If this made you laugh please, give it a like... or a rose! <3
#thebachelor #bachelornation #thebachelor23 #thebachelorabc #coltonunderwood #willyouacceptthisrose #tvseries #girlsnightin #clayfacemask #moscato #chrisharrison #thebachelorfinale #comedy #comedyarticle #comedyblog #comedyblogger